Saturday, March 20, 2010


"You know how L'il Wayne came up with saying 'no homo' when you do [gay] stuff like that?" said the man at the gym a couple days ago. "Well, my whole life is no homo."

Friday, March 5, 2010

All I Do Is Kill Nazis Of You The Whole Night Thru

Oscar weekend is here, and there are those who believe that Inglorious Basterds is likely to become your 2009 Best Picture recipient. I don't think that this will happen, but I fervently hope that it does.

Basterds was my second-favorite movie of 2009 (after this masterpiece). Here's my third grade book report version of why:

I thought Inglorious Basterds was a good movie because it was really fun and awesome. The main themes were revenge and Nazis. The main Nazi was really scary and the actor playing him was really good. The plot did not make a lot of sense sometimes but that was okay because it was very hilarious and I had a great time at the movies.

Listen, everyone: that is the only appropriate reaction to have after seeing Inglorious Basterds. It defies any trenchant analysis and is pure entertainment. It is an utter mess of a movie, which is quite common, but also a completely and purely entertaining mess in which a famous director follows his various unique obsessions down their respective rabbit holes for no real reason at all and is hugely successful, which is not as common.

To be honest, though, the movie could have been an absolute pile and I would still be rooting for it to win the Oscar, if only to demonstrate that the movie industry is so narrow-minded and bankrupt of all original thought that they will literally hand out an award to anything with a Nazi in it. Hell, they gave one out last year to Kate Winslet for jackbooting up after she and Ricky Gervais mocked the very concept mercilessly.

So at this year's Oscar party, tell your friends to root for the coronation of ludicrousness, and remind them that The Hurt Locker didn't have even one single Mexican standoff.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Secret Grilled Cheese Party

Like it or not, Being a Man in the 21st Century means living in paralyzing fear of being emasculated in any and every situation. It should be accepted as fact that if you are a heterosexual male between the ages of oh let's say 18 and 35, day-to-day life is a constant process of shoring up your defenses against threats to your power, virility, and unassailable dudeitude.

That being said, the ad snippet that I'm about to foist upon you made me drop my Axe can mid-spray and pause 300 right at the good part:

Is nothing sacred? Now I'm halfway between a mincing fairy and a cringe-inducing manchild if I order a grilled cheese sandwich?

The people at Hardee's (Carl's Jr. on the west coast) have obviously never been in any sort of dire financial situation. They can't even fathom the enormous bite that six 24 DVD sets and a full tank of gas for an all-black Hemi V8 Dodge Charger can take out of a Man's budget. Thus, they clearly do not realize that when dining out, a delicious and cost-effective grilled cheese is often the best option.

That being said, I can't fault Hardee's for their incredibly simple solution to the problem of having your identity called into question by a sandwich. To wit: PUT A BURGER IN THE MIDDLE OF IT

Monday, March 1, 2010

Raquetball, Tennis, Pool, Whatever

Forgot to mention Wooooo threw my wigged out letter up onto their blog a few weeks back. There's a link in there you can follow back to this blog, which you can use as a jumping-off point to go back to the Wooooo post, then back to this blog again.

Get well soon Guru